hmmm...life is very interesting..it always keeps you on your toes....i know....not so insightful...happy humpday!  :)

Hi!

I'm now submitting an application and was asked to describe myself in 150 words.  Boy was that a task!  lol  It helped me realize something....something that I had been thinking for quite awhile but never really forced to explain until now.  I'm not a "fusion" artist.....per se.  

Superficially it appears that I am....but once a closer look is taken, and more is learned about me and my background...you realize that i'm not simply fusing....i'm representing who i am as an artist.  Here's  a quick explanation on why i have some reservations on calling myself a "fusion artist".....i wrote this email to a dancer friend of mine, Ronnie, asking me to explain myself...so here's the excerpt of the email...maybe another time i'll write more...it is 1:54am and must get to bed to get to work....  :)

Ronnie,
When I see fusion, for the most part, it's very deliberate..very static. Most of the time many who fuse say they have studied those areas but really they haven't...they took a class here and there and then they say they have studied and put a long list of styles in their bio ....which implies something else.....I'm not a master in any area...i'm a beginner especially when you look at the real talents out there!!!...lol... but each area I've studied (and I continually study)...I never went in with the intent that I would fuse them...I went in there dedicated to learning that particular focus

At least for me when I dance I don't intentionally fuse for the most part.....I don't intentionally say I'm gonna put flamenco hiphop and mix belly dance....I just feel the music and what comes out comes out...and due to my extensive training in many areas of dance....I can express myself in different ways..my body can do more....(it has a larger vocabulary)....and of course my cultural background comes into play..(for the most part) it is subconscious..unintentional....

So to me fusion ...I don't feel technically fits me....but I think to everyone else, it's my title ...(and i'll accept it to a certain degree because there are many people who need to put you in a category to help them figure you out...to understand you....and maybe many need to see something that is different to see differently.....to many i may have some frou frou "artistic" reservations in being called fusion artist....but for the most part i don't mind....nothing wrong with that for the most part as long as it is not bad...lol...)...but I see it differently....of course i see it differently...i'm an artist...  :)

It's been almost 1 week since the disaster in Japan.  The shock hit me when the photos were released and the reports that thousands were missing.  It hit me more when a friend posted a link on my facebook page on google finder, for those who were looking for missing loved ones in Japan.  Then it hit me...Haiti. 

This is the same as Haiti.  Yes many can argue that Japan is richer and can recover....and thus is different.  Yes, Japan is richer....and Haiti is poorer....3rd world country at that. However.....the pain is the same. 

When I saw reports of people putting notices on missing loved ones it brought me back to when my family went missing Haiti...in particular my father.  Many cousins of mine were injured, killed, left homeless and still are.  My father was eventually found alive and well.  However, I went back to a note/letter I wrote to all the people who helped me when I was dealing with the catastrophe of Haiti, in particular dealing with the trauma that my father was missing.

Here is the long letter I wrote.  Although it is 1 year after, reading this note and still knowing that Haiti is still suffering now.....the tears come forth.  Please remember Haiti...please do all you can to help Japan.  For we are all one.  Whether we like it or not we are the same and the forces are physically bringing us closer.  The Japan earthquake shifted the Earth's balance!  The earthquake physically moved Japan 13 feet closer to the United States. 

We are one...we are here to help and care for each other.  Remember our spirit.  Japan we are here for you.

My note below:
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Original Post: January 25, 2010 at 12:55am

I wrote this for a friend of mine....and thought it was my duty to share this with the people who reached out to me in some way or another the past couple of weeks. I tried to tag as many as I could fo those who reached out to me...but Facebook has a limit so please don't feel slighted if you're not tagged...facebook has limits. You know if you contacted me the past couple of weeks and offered your support, offered food for the moments I didn't eat, a pillow to cry, an ear to listen...you know who you are...thank you.

To think with all i write here....the most personal i choose not to reveal....but here it is...

My thoughts are dominated by anything regarding the spiritual. It ranges from, my role in human kind, questioning whether my actions help strengthen the positive side of the universal law of cause and effect and more... However, there have been a few times where I've questioned the point of spirituality.....what is God's plan...does God trully exist...is there a cruel joke out there?? The few times include, the early death of my younger brother David, my time in Madrid early last year, and now....HAITI.

I was notified about Haiti's earthquake 1 hour after it happened. My mother called me on my cell phone at the office. She stated that there was a massive 7.3 earthquake in Port-au-Prince. Everything had crumbled, thousands dead. Then....she followed with this...."....your father is there."

I quietly walked to my desk. My coworkers buzzed around talking about whatever. My eyes were glazed over. A numbing feeling hit me. I quietly moved things around my desk. My desk is already neat. I moved the pen from it's set spot on top of my keyboard and put it back. almost like all of a sudden I developed Obsessive Compulsive disorder. I piled the books and papers on top. But they were already piled neatly. I put my water canteen in my purse and then back out. I put my "Wicked" book in my purse and then back out. All of this quietly, with my eyes glazed over as if I was a robot. My coworker "Siby" who sits to my right all of a sudden took off his headphones and spoke to me quietly in French. "Ça va ?"...meaning "are you okay?"...i answered quietly as if i was a robot...."There was a 7.3 earthquake in Haiti and my Father's there."

Then I quietly walked out of the room and told 2 other coworkers as if I was a robot....and said the exact same thing....and walked to the bathroom and walked back out to the hallway ...in front of the elevators.....and the tears just yanked my soul....right there......

The days passed. By myself....in my apartment....I was in a self-imposed solitary confinement..... quietly and constantly calling the State Department to place my father on the missing list...I could never get through. I put my father on the missing list in the New York Times and CNN. I spent any moment I could, going online to CNN, Yahoo, NY Times, everywhere....looking at all the videos, the pictures looking to see if my father's face would show up....would I be able to recognize him with dust and blood all over his face waiting for help...lying somewhere.....

I walked with my dark sunglasses all day, inside and out to hide the tears that would come randomly at any moment. Thinking to myself...."He's not dead until they tell me." But.....sadly that didn't help...the tears kept coming. Thinking to myself....maybe I should do all the crying now before I get the official news....because the coming chaos from the family will be unbearable and I must be stoic and calm since everything will be focused on/towards me......the good and the overwhelming bad......for I am his daughter. I must cry now.....so that I won't have any tears to shed when my mother hears the news and I must handle her tears, protect her and myself from and deal with the coming chaos from my father's large family whom I don't speak to.

Then thoughts of our sad lack of a relationship we shared came to my head. My thoughts on all the bad from me and him....the last time i saw him in my apt in DC....my last picture of him was on a picture with my Blackberry...the picture had his hands and legs next to my coffee table in front of the thanksgiving dinner i cooked for us....not even his face....

Then I heard the news that a cousin of mine who took care of me 4 months out of the year each year between age 5-14 when I was living in Quebec, Canada was dead.....other family members could not be found....a couple more died.....and yet no word on my father.....

All the pictures and videos showed my parents' country, that was already in shambles, in a state that no one could ever imagine....the people....my people....in more pain than they thought would come to them because they were in pain before.....being the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere....a 3rd world country ...less than a few hundred miles from the richest country in the world...the United States....with vicious laws not to allow the poorest to come in the country to earn a basic income...but allows people from another country less than a couple hundred miles away called Cuba to come in with practically no issues.....

Why would God do this?!!.....Why does Haiti have to bear this?!!....Hasn't it suffered enough?...Why can't you spare Haiti just once?....

The people.....left homeless....legs broken...arms twisted...skulls cracked.....waiting for help at the makeshift hospitals....people lucky enough to get to a doctor and get their legs amputated.... left to recover with aspirin.....under a hot sun in the streets....i repeat....get their legs amputated...with no anesthesia....and left to recover with aspirin in the street.....

My people....my people....my people....i wonder....and many wonder....has God forsaken you?......

A dear friend mine from Hungary, called me....he offered his sympathies....and said....."Finally no one can ignore Haiti." That did not comfort me by any means.....But I understood what he meant...but it offered no comfort to me.

As I watched videos of Haitians praying and singing religious hymns in the streets I kept thinking, "This has got to be a joke. You are singing to God, but is God singing to you?...better yet...is God even listening?"

Actress Garcelle Beauvais, is Haitian, she made a comment questioning Faith...."With a country such as Haiti that has suffered so much already, and this happens.....you have to question Faith" ....There were some who didn't like her comment. But doesn't she have a right to question this?...doesn't it make sense?.....can't you see where she's coming from??

Watching the videos and the reports on the various countries sending their troops to help find victims. Everyone worked detached from each other. There wasn't/isn't a cohesive way to work. Everyone worked individually. Different ways worked better and some did not. A report showed how sophisticated Israel's system was and how it worked almost felt to me like look at how good this is....hmm....maybe this is how we should work in the future....Then it hit me...............and now Haiti is the example on how to treat a situation like this in the future. The countries will have to unite under one system....the new world order....and then it will be a cohesive system....so that when this happens again, somewhere else, the whole world will bring its troupes together and instead of taking weeks to find people.....we'll find everyone in 3 days. Everyone will be taken care of quickly at the hospitals, everyone will speak the same language so we don't have to have translators in these situations....blah, blah, blah, blah.....

Why does Haiti have to be the example? Why? Of all the countries, Haiti?

Yes my anger on Haiti is well heard here. But how is my anger helping? It's not. I donated money. I feel helpless, I want to go to Haiti, and pull the ruble, and hug that person trapped but....money....That's what Haiti needs, along with the $58 million raised at yesterday's telethon. Money is coming in. But what about the relief and the smiles of the people in Haiti?

Saturday morning, I was awakened by a phone call from my cousin and on the phone was my father. Alive and Well. For a brief moment a sigh of release came. Then i thought of my cousins who died, in particular the one who took care of me. How can I be happy? Then a friend of mine, actually 2 said...."Well they are better off, they are in the next world." Who in the world says this?!!!! Note to you!:.....Don't ever say this to anyone who just lost a dear loved one. Seriously, that does not bring any comfort to me at this point. I understand the stance you are coming from but that is the least bit consoling. You know what, maybe I should kill myself and go to the next life because I'll be better off in the next world.

Now you get the point......maybe...

The past 2 weeks, I isolated myself from the many calls, messages i received from people....i chose to not deal....even after i found out ...i kept quiet for 2 days...still in shock and in mourning...i could not deal with people's sigh of relief and happiness that my father was found....i was not in that mind.....to those i told that to and quietly requested them to not say to anyone my father was found..they understood....one person took it personally....and there was a little contention....i didn't want to get wrapped up in something concerning someone else and let them take it personal when it had to deal with me....my internal pain.....CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRAUMATIZED!!!......but....despite this....i smiled, superficially accepted fault at offending them in some way and the quiet horror inside continued and wouldn't leave me...my father was found ...but my cousins were dead and missing....all of Haiti was crying asking WHY?....

When i did finally tell people....their smiles came........in return....my smile and my happy personality made fake happy appearances for the public....but the horror inside raged on....

I've quietly tapped into my Buddhism to help bring the inner peace. I've tapped into my Baha'i readings for the larger peace. Despite tapping into my spirituality......I've felt liked I failed....for am I not a BUDDHIST???!!.....Aren't Buddhists suppose to be calm and happy in all situations??.....But here I am angry, cynical, negative, hurt...........

But I must sing....I must sing like Janette did when she came out from under the ruble after 6 days solely because her husband didn't give up on her....and finally flagged a rescue team from Los Angeles to pull her out. She sang....don't be afraid of death. The video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ShKG8MNvydo

But what about the people who are still under the ruble?....and they don't have a husband looking for them....and they are still alive...under the ruble....and the rescue team passes by them.....not knowing they are there....under the ruble....but quietly left to die a most horrible death.....being buried alive....

Yes there are people still alive under the ruble...as was noted today another person was found alive..... because his brother kept looking for him.

I won't be angry or afraid of death, Janette. I hate the life my people, my Haitians and the many more out there in other parts of the world, have to live. But my hate means nothing unless I tap into my inner peace. And keep, in my role on this earth, as a member of this huge family called humankind, keep bringing positive energy with all my actions to help bring unity and peace.

Your inner peace kept you through the ruble for 10 days Janette. Your inner peace called your husband, called the Los Angeles rescue team, and called for God. If you did it, then WHO AM I to not call on God for you, for me, for the Haitians, for the world, for humankind?....Who am I?

Thank you Janette.